The Screwed Up Escapades Of A Crappy POTC Fanfic
by JustAnotherAuthorDurping
Summary: Are you tired of crappy Pirate fanfics? Overly dramatic happenings, OOC characters, and unrealistic situations? Well here's a fanfic just dedicated to purposely messing things up and making it funny! Warning: I AM in favor of JE. Rated T for adult humor.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This was inspired while reading some really crappy Sparrabeth fanfics

_A/N: This was inspired while reading some really crappy Sparrabeth fanfics. After a while, I get very tired of overly dramatic, or OOC fanfics, and so, to release my anger for them, I shall do it in a screwed up form of writing. Now I am not saying that I've never done this in my time of fanfic, for surely I have, but I have grown to learn, look back and laugh. I don't know how many chapters there will be; please leave out flames. :3_

_**This chapter is dedicated to **__**Florencia**__** and anyone else who made Miss. Swann loose her memory. Don't worry love, I totally loved your fanfic, I just had to poke fun! :3**_

**Disclaimer: Written merely for fun; no money involved.**

**The Screwed Up Escapades of a Crappy JE Fanfic**

**Chapter One: A Million and One Ways to Injure Elizabeth Swann:**

It was a fine day for sailing that morning in the Caribbean; the sun was high in the sky, making every man on the ship of the Black Pearl hot and sweaty, and most likely feeling a little more gay for one another then usual. The only female on the vessel who had never had men attempt to violate her, Elizabeth Swann trotted along the main deck of the ship in a low cut dress, gaining no attention whatsoever from any passing men.

Spotting a rope that needed retying, the woman knelt down, her perfectly arranged hair fluttering in the wind as she untied the rope and re-did it. Looking at her work with satisfaction, she was about to get up and leave when a sailor passing by with a particularly sharp and deadly knife for no reason tripped, the blade coming down and slicing right through Elizabeth's arm, her forearm landing on the deck, severed from her body.

Shrieking in agony and pain, she dramatically fell to the ground, writhing in pain as blood squirted from where her elbow once was rather disgustingly. The sailors 'Ew'd', and feeling squeamish, ripped out their handkerchiefs and covered their noses.

"Jack! Oh Jack!" Fainting from lack of blood, she stopped twitching. Immediately, the captain was at her side, scooping her up into his arms.

"Oh Elizabeth!" he wailed, not even bothered that his shirt was now turning a nice crimson, though he made a mental note to have Gibbs bring it to the dry cleaners later.

Rushing to his cabin, he threw her onto his bed that was conveniently in the main part of his cabin and not in a separate room, while Gibbs rushed in after him, a bowl of water in his hands and some cloths.

"Get me my sewing kit now!" Jack ordered. "I am quite a skilled doctor, and I know how to fix this sort of thing! Go!"

Frantically, the first mate dashed away and returned moments later with a pink floral case. Jack, who had been dabbing Elizabeth's head and thinking how even though she was all bloody he would still totally have sex with her, jumped up, and snatched the case from Gibbs's hands.

He growled, "Now go – I can do this all on my own." His first mate left, and he was alone with a knocked out bleeding woman.

Conveniently waking up right as the door closed, Elizabeth began to sob.

"Oh no! My arm!"

Jack looked at her with sympathetic eyes. "Don't worry love – bite down on this leather, and you'll be fine."

He gave her the leather, and began to sew.

It had been a long time since he had worked on his embroidery, but he managed to sew some skin he had had saved for eating later over the bloody mess, and even stitched 'Jack PWNS you' into her arm. Elizabeth thrashed in pain all the meanwhile, and her screams could be heard all across the ship.

When he was done, he took the leather away, and told her to get some rest and heal. She eventually did fall asleep, but while sleepwalking that night, managed to sprain her ankle while tripping over a rock that she knocked her head against, causing her to forget everything except Jack which led to a long and sexy relationship filled with steamy, stubbalicious, stumptastic, sex. However, she soon got her left eye poked out from a fishing incidenet, and died forty years later, after 12 memory loosings, 11 broken legs, 10 severed toes, 9 sprained wrists, 8 bullets to the heart, 7 stabs to the stomach, 6 hot chocolate scaldings, 5 stubbed fingers, 4 broken hearts, 3 fractured arms, 2 dislocated shoulders and a left eye that was poked out!


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I loathe it when people write the kiss scene or do flashbacks and it's totally not right to the movie! This is in honor of everyone who SCREWS THINGS UP! _

**The Screwed Up Escapades of a Crappy JE Fanfic:**

**Chapter 2: Fricking Up The Kiss Scene To Outrageous Extremes**

"Thank you Jack."

Turning around, the pirate looked at Elizabeth with dark, lust filled eyes.

"We're not free yet baby," he replied, mournfully staring up into the sky with hope.

"You came back." She moved closer, completely stepping into his personal space. "I always knew you were a good man." Moving even closer, she kissed him.

Oh, was it a kiss.

They slobbered all over one another like rabid dogs, tonsil hockey going on to the extreme. Will, who had been secretly watching because he is a nosy perv, immediately had a heart attack, and croaked, falling into the water where Davy Jones made him part of his crew.

Backing Jack up to the bed that was kept for instances like this on the main deck, Elizabeth continued to practically eat his lips and pushed him onto it, climbing right on top of him and straddling him like a whore. Whipping out a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs, she gave him a naughty smile.

"It'd be so hot if you were chained to this bed Jack," she breathed, clasping one end of the manacles to his wrist, and the other to the bed post.

Giving her an agreeing smirk, Jack moved to kiss her again, but stopped when she climbed off him.

"It's after you, not the ship," she explained as she sobbed her eyes out. One of those creepy kids from the Puffs commercial handed her a box of tissues, and she blew her nose. "Please forgive me Jack. I never wanted to do this."

Jack gave a knowing nod. "It's alright baby – I always knew you were a bitch."

Glaring at him, Elizabeth ran to the lifeboat, where Will sat, having come back to life just to whine.

"Where's Jack?" he inquired, giving her a scathing look.

Looking back at him with hard eyes, she replied, "He's taking on the Kraken by himself, Mortal Combat style."

And so the lifeboat was pushed away from the Black Pearl, the men, whelp, and woman inside watching as Jack struggled to get himself from the bed and off the ship. Managing to get his hand through the cuff, he was about to flee, when the Kraken reared up. Right then and there, Elizabeth had 6 paragraph long brainstorm about how angsty her life would be without him, and how it was unfair of her to lead him to his death. But being a selfish woman, she just sat there, and watched as Jack and the leviathan had a game of rock paper scissors to decide his fate.

It was an intense moment.

Nobody dared to breath.

A paragraph would then be inserted here of how deliciously tasty his lips were.

Jack chose scissors.

And the Kraken….

The Kraken chose rock.

And it was over.

_A/N: No, I am not on crack; this is just be making fun of everyone who writes the Kiss scene over-dramatically. Review?_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Dedicated to Anna and her silly notion on apple trees!-

**Chapter Three: Magically Appearing Jack**

Elizabeth sat with her toes dug into the sand of her nice little island that Will had left her on, pondering over how crappy her life was. When he left her on the island, she was more then ready to dedicate ten years of faithfulness until his arrival, but then she realized that he had left her on an isle with no fresh water, and only crab apple trees that for some reason only grew in the Caribbean now, and not further up north. Thoroughly pissed at her husband for being such an ass, she attempted to stab his heart, but remembered that she threw the key into the ocean one evening in anger as she menstruated.

Sighing with depression, she started her daily routine of crying and wishing that Jack would come to her island, for she missed him ever-so-much! She loved him ever since she first read about him, and immediately she knew he held her heart. Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, she sat and looked longingly at the sea, only to notice a tiny dot moving her way.

What was it? A shark? Porpoise? Blow up doll in a bottle? With narrowed eyes, she stood up and waded into the water, looking closely at the object.

It was a dingy!

More importantly, she noticed using her extreme-o awsometastic super vision, it was Jack's dingy!

Grinning widely, she shouted his name eagerly, and he returned the call. Striding back up the beach, Elizabeth began jumping up and down with giddy excitement. Oh, he was coming to save her!

Soon enough Jack was clambering out of his tiny boat, and Elizabeth ran up to him, throwing her arms around his neck and sobbing with happiness.

"Jack! You came for me! I missed you so much, and I'm not angry at all that you made me wait four years!" she said over dramatically.

"Oh Lizzie," Jack exclaimed, wrapping his arms around her, his voice thick with passion and love. "I love you. You are my everything. I need you baby, I can't live without you. Will you have me?"

Positively squealing in delight, Elizabeth cried, "Of course! I never loved Will. Jack I only wanted you."

For the first time in twenty years, Jack's tear ducts began producing the salty liquid instead of dust. He was crying with happiness. Actually, it looked more like tears that consisted of rum, but who was to complain? He'd put them in a jar later and save them for his nighttime drinking.

"Than you shall have every bit of me," he declared, holding a fist in the air dramatically. "You and I can live in that," –he pointed to his dingy- "see it? That's our home now."

Elizabeth shoved her face into his chest. "Oh Jack, I can't wait! Then we can have sex and have alcoholic kids and all live together!"

Enthusiastically, Jack said, "Well, let's start fornicating right _now_! Hopefully, you'll bear a child, and we can name it Hector in honor of my best friend ever!"

"Joy!"

"I call topsies!"

"Okay! And I call being the skanky whore you picked up at the doctor's office!

"Then I'm the doctor!"

And so they had sex, right there, right on the sandy beach, with sand everywhere. Seriously, just _everywhere_. Nine months later, Elizabeth gave birth to an alcoholic baby in Jack's dingy who they instead named Jack Daniel Sparrow, in honor of Jack's favorite brand rum.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I am really going to be friendless by the time I finish writing these… Honestly, anyone can claim that I'm making on thei

A/N: I am really going to be friendless by the time I finish writing these… Honestly, anyone can _claim_ that I'm making fun of their fic in particular, and god _no_, _no_,_ no_, I'm making fun of _everyone's_ fics (save for the exceptionally good ones) including my own! Silly little turds you all are.

And thanks for the love and reviews.

I was thinking… should I just make this the Screwed Up Escapades of a Pirates Fanfic? Because there is a lot I could explore, you know, and make fun of severely. Give me your thoughts, my readers. 'Cuz this chapter isn't really Sparrabethy or humorous in my opinion… And I have ideas for non-Sparrabethy chapters.

**Beware**: Curses and profanities ahead.

**Chapter Four: When In Doubt, Beat People**

Elizabeth Swann was crying.

Well, more like bawling to put it. She was upset, because basically, the entire world was just being an extreme pain in the ass for her. There was major tension (and not the hot, sexual, Sparrabethy kind) between her and her whelp of a fiancé, William Needstocomeoutofthecloset and the only man she ever really truly loved (I mean, come on - Will?) the luscious, gorgeous and just damn sexy Captain Jack Sparrow. She had recently learned that her father had died due to fact that he had been tortured by looking at Mercer's saggy, lumpy rump for twenty days straight and really, all she wanted to do was sob like a pathetic helpless woman.

Four pages worth of thoughts, whines, and just plain bitching from her point of view would be inserted here to drive the reader bonkers and make them stop reading this due to extreme boredom.

Elizabeth dabbed her nose with a tissue, which surprisingly had not been invented yet. Funny how items from the future somehow ended up in her day and age.

She was lying on her bed in her own personal quarters, clinging to a pillow that was made from used razors (from cutting of course) and watching her tears fall to her lap when a knock was heard. Running her fingers through her hair, she answered, "Come in."

It was Will.

"Will…" she said in that usual gasping way she did all through out Pirates one which really pissed people off.

He frowned. "I came to tell you something."

Still irate with him from earlier, Elizabeth hissed, "What?"

He stepped further into the room, closing the door behind him. "Elizabeth… I'm leaving you."

She gasped in shock. Suddenly she was at his feet, her hands together. "Oh Will! Why?"

Across the world in various countries, random people cringed at the cheese-fest that was occurring somewhere out there.

Will smacked her cheek, causing her to sprawl across the floor and whimper in defeat. "Because you're such a fairy-dusting skank, Miss. Whore." He grew angrier just looking at her. What a fucking _bitch_! With a wrath that one never knew was inside one as eunuchy as Will, he began beating her.

Oh yeah, and did she bleed and bruise.

She cried, pleaded him to stop, but really did nothing to defend herself. Elizabeth had never been a woman of power really – she had always let people walk all over her. So she sat there and took the beating like the pitiable woman she was.

"Please stop," she begged, throwing her hands up dramatically.

Will snarled, and whipped out his very tiny, unimpressive pistol (he really had nothing big and fierce on his person, including extremities of the sorts). Thoughtlessly, he shot her in the hand and laughed a maniacal laugh while she screamed.

Yet again, a ton of paragraphs on Elizabeth's confused feelings would be here to make the reader pissed off over the fact that they just wanted to read the action.

And then he was gone.

A shuddery breath left Elizabeth as she sat up, assessing herself.

_Hmm, let's see,_ she thought.

A broken nose, ruptured kidney, a hand with a bullet in it, eight broken ribs, and a broken windpipe.

Why, she'd be just jolly in a few days!

Flinching as kidney juices oozed inside of her, Elizabeth sat up and took her original position on her bed again, sobbing more. Hugging herself, she sighed.

Depressed thoughts.

Angsty thoughts.

Woeful thoughts.

More useless fluff.

Thoughts of how she really loved Jack and all that jazz.

And then a shittastic cliffhanger would be inserted here, to which reviewers would lie and say they can't wait for an update, praise the crappy out of character story, and exit out of the chapter with relief.

A/N: Come on, really people. Review stories honestly! I am tired of having people say 'oh it was wonderful, marvelous, and other synonyms for the word great' when really it was terrible. We have three movies to learn about the characters – at least have the decency to attempt to keep them in character and help other writers. 'Tis a community service really.

-end rant-


	5. Author's Note: Story Change! Please Read

**Author's Note:**

I'm changing this to the The Screwed Up Escapades of a Crappy POTC Fanfic. Why? Because there is so much more to explore then just bad Sparrabeth fics! I am open for any suggestions you all may like, so feel free to PM me with it or leave a review. You're all the best, and though these may not all be Sparrabeth anymore... well, what Sparrabeth can completely leave some Jack/Elizabeth, even out of a parody?

And for any new readers who are against Sparrabeth - don't worry, I'm poking fun at the cruddy JE fics, so you can surely relate. Though I'll probably make fun of Willabeth, Beckabeth (is that even a shipping?!) and (god forbid) Barbossabeth, and other things besides couples.

Alas, I love you all, and I am astounded with how much love this is getting. Stay in tune lovelys!


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: Hey girls out there… (Let me put it in bold/italicized/underlined font so you understand me now.)

_**Stop.**_

_**Inserting.**_

_**Yourselves.**_

_**In.**_

_**Fanfics.**_

It'd do this site a huge favor, _trust_ me. And this was written in about ten minutes. Too lazy to make as funny as usual…

**Chapter Five: Jenny and Jessica meet Pirates, Causing Their Extinction**

It was an incredible evening.

Like about 95 percent of other fanfics like this where losery fangirls somehow get sucked and or thrown into their favorite fandom so they can have gross sex with men eighty times their age, Jessica and I were sitting on our couch watching Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, which is the best movie in the series. Anyway, we were at the scene where Jack and Elizabeth are talking of curiosity (hot!) when I sighed.

"I wish we could go into the movies," I said, frowning.

"Me too," Jessica agreed. "Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are just so fucking hot and I'm just some 13 year old girl – they'd totally rape me."

I grinned at her, sharing her same daydreams. "Will Turner is such a pansy. Besides, they'd rape me first." Looking at the clock, I realized it was 11:11. Time to make my daily wish!

"I wish Jessica and I were in Pirates of the Caribbean!"

And then suddenly BAM! This big vortex opens, we get sucked into it and suddenly we're in Tortuga! Of course our apparel has changed – I'm dressed in some cool pirate getup, and now have a perfect shot with a pistol and can use a sword, and Jessica has the same.

We are obviously thirteen-year-old girls, but no one bothers us as we stroll down the streets. You'll never believe what happens next – Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner appear from a tavern, laughing! Swooning, Jessica and I run up to them.

"We love you!" Jessica practically screams.

Jack and Will look at us, their eyes all lusty-like. I felt like the most beautiful girl ever.

Jack leaned forward. "How about a night in my cabin?"

Will shook his head. "No Jack! How about a _foursome_ in your cabin?"

"That sounds great!" I exclaimed.

"Oh good!" Jack wrapped his arm around me and I died with happiness. "I am suddenly in love with you, let's live together what's-your-name!"

"Okay!"

And so we did have a foursome, one where I described every detail of the hot, sexy, lusty sex I had with a man most likely double my age, a pansy, and my best friend.

It was great. So great in fact, that I decided to write about it and share my creepy childish dreams that I should really keep to myself with the readers of my favorite website, Fanfiction. I got a million good reviews telling me to never write again. I loved it.

However, when I told my mom all of this, she sent me to a special mental hospital – why would she possibly do that now?


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: As pointed out by lovely Zay, I've yet to make fun of Willabeth, so here I go! Willabethers beware – you're heading into uncharted waters. And please don't leave whiney reviews about how Willabeth is 'ttly kewler then sparrabeth u dick1!!!!'

Also, if you all out there could recommend qualities of shitty fics that irk you, I'd love to hear them and maybe use them for a future chapter.

Sorry for this not being funny.

**The Plank and the Delicate, Precious, Beautiful, Graceful, Elegant, Gem-like, and Wonderful Flower :**

Will and Elizabeth had to be the most romantically inclined couple, thought the townspeople of Unoriginal-Named-Town-Number-Ten.

Seriously, their love was totally _epic_.

In fact, it was so epic that it drew immature fangirls hovering about the ages of ten and fourteen to yearn to be in a relationship as beautiful as theirs and write unintelligent, illiterate, out of character, and just plain horrific fanfics that made the Devil seizure with agony in hell.

The townspeople will always recall one day in particular (it was Will's day off) that was shared between the two as they took a stroll through the town that isn't described because the author doesn't know jack-shit about the past.

"Oh William," Elizabeth sighed, leaning into her man's plank-like torso – could he be any more virile?

"Yes, my darling gem of the universe?" Will replied sweetly, cradling her hands in his.

Already by this point, even the soap-opera soccer moms were not turned on.

Elizabeth, who was clad in the _proper_ clothing of a _proper_ Englishwoman (that weren't described with any words other then 'pretty dress' – what the hell are breeches and tunics?) fluttered her eyes at him.

Right here, there would be a description that could very well be a story of its own that expressed Will's reaction to Elizabeth's beauty in the sun-light and how she was a soft, delicate, precious flower in need of guarding and had always needed his protection.

"You know I love you ever so much, right? The moment I saw your soiled and damp face after you had been pulled from the sea, I knew I was destined to never have an ounce of passionate sex in my life! What woman would dare of dreaming about Captain Jack Sparrow in her bed?"

Will swelled with pride – oh, his Elizabeth Tur-.

Even God began writhing in agony at that point.

Ner!

"My darling sweet buttercup, please, let us go cuddle with one another," Will requested passionately, rubbing his cheek against hers, "For I only have one day on land every ten years, and though I never wish to take your virtue and have sex with you, I can still revel in your presence!"

"As you wish, my love!"

They laid in the sand and cuddled the rest of the evening, a scene that was so horrifically fluffy and cheery that the sun decided to commit suicide and leave the earth in an eternity of darkness. However, Will and Elizabeth still found joy – they hugged the rest of the evening until Will had to leave to go back on the Dutchman, where he would participate in horrible saggy ass butt-sex with his crewmembers.

Elizabeth would then run over to the bushes where she had stored Jack for the entire fic because even Willabeth fics are such fails that Jack has to be lurking in the background, waiting to jump Elizabeth's bones.

* * *

A/N: Did that remind anyone else of the disgusting excuse for a book Twilight?


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